I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
