talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
