i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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