matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
