if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
sex in a hospital.. check
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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