She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
