the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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