While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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