I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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