I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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