when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
