based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
