did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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