Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
