I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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