Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
