My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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