sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
