please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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