You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
