I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
