He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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