i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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