Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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