Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
