I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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