I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Boobs speak an international language.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
its liver damage thursday
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
