If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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