Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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