It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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