I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
