You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
