I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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