I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Im part way to drunk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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