I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
