i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
