She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
