no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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