I want you more than these girls want KFC
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
