Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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