Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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