my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
His nipple licking is glorious
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