I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
