I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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