Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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