Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
