Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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