Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
