i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
