Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
