my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
