Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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