it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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