We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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