Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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