you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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